Marty's Bon Mots (Selections found in: Glad You Asked)

I had the opportunity to do a bit of soul searching the other day.  A very minor event had surfaced that forced me to simultaneously confront my emotions and my values.  

I received an electronic message through the mechanism known as Linkedin.  For those of you who are unaware of the inner mechanisms of such a software environment, allow me the luxury of an explanation. 

Linkedin is a type of email/professional/social networking sort of thing.  Professional groups keep you posted on the latest goings on in your particular professional niche or hobby.  You can post questions.  You can receive responses.  You can solicit yourself to those to whom you think might care either a feather or a fig.  Most do not care that much.  On the other hand, it is the very definition of true blue networking.  You have the opportunity of innocently placing yourself out there on the great plains of the internet ether.  You also have the opportunity of sniffing and poking around to see who is doing what and what is going where. 

   

And so occasionally an old colleague of mine will run across my name somehow, and that will trigger a request to place yet another link to a chain of others that may or may not be common acquaintances. 

And so it was the other day.  A request floated in from a name I hadn’t thought of in almost a quarter of a century.  It took a few seconds of cobweb clearing to remember this person.  

And then I remembered her.  

The recollection process was a strange one for me.  My first association to the name was not the face.  My first association to the past, as it concerned her, were the floodgates of emotions that re-opened.  Then the face emerged. 

It was many years ago.  We worked together.  I was an employee and she was a consultant.  My son was just born.  She brought in some baby clothes as a present.  We became friends.  We would talk often and share coffee and stories.  We would discuss our hopes and aspirations.  We would discuss our concerns, fears and suspicions.  

And it was here that I broke the third law of corporate survival.  The first being:  The boss may be an asshole, but the boss is always right.  The second being: keep office and romance absolutely separate.  The third immutable law of office survival is to keep your private thoughts private.  The subtext here is, of course, don’t trust people at work.  Make nice.  Smile.  But co-workers are not your friends.  Your friends are your friends.  

And it was here, at that time, that I fell from grace.  In one of our conversations, and against my better judgment, I had let it known my feelings and thoughts with respect to certain individuals of influence surrounding us.  

Her consulting assignment had run its course and within a few days she was gone.  I was also received of some profoundly negative feedback.  Seems that my so-called friend had decided, for reasons known only to herself, that it would be in her best interests to rat on me and relay the substance of our otherwise confidential discussions to the subjects of these otherwise private series of discourse.  

It had come back to haunt me and I had to weather a number of cold shouldered political setbacks (I was a relatively highly placed manager) and had a substantial amount of damage control to cover. 

My calls to her were left unreturned.  I called not to berate her, but to understand what, if any, thoughts, were the underpinnings behind her decisions to blab the way she did.  

The years and the stories marched on.  Since then, there have been many other tales involving choices both good and bad.  

And so we cue the organ music.  We find ourselves a little older, a little grayer, a little larger in color and the recipient of a Linkedin request.  

The request I had received was more than what I had been accustomed.  This invitation also included a nice greeting and the fact that she had run into a person of mutual acquaintance that reminded her of me.  So she requested that I establish a link with her in her network.  

And thus, dear reader, we have arrived at an event triggering an ethical flow of combined thoughts and emotions. 

On the one hand, the teachings of Epictetus ring.  Specifically regarding the reactions to external stimuli, one has no control over external stimuli.  Therefore, the only area with which you have control here is the manner with which you decide to react to them.   On the other hand, without the calming influence of Roman philosophers past, my emotions spring forward and my instincts advise to vehemently respond and tell her in no uncertain terms to sit and spin.  I often find myself in internal conflicts such as these.  

So with these thoughts careening inside what is the proper course of action?  I mean, it’s been a long time.

Shouldn’t I just let bygones be bygones and start fresh?  I’m sure there are many facets of my being that have changed over the years.  Shouldn’t it be likewise for others?  Shouldn’t I give the benefit of the doubt?  Would it be more satisfying, to write her a note and tell her my last contacts with her found me angry, hurt and disappointed?  

She has reached out to me.  That must account for something.  

But my decision unfolded thusly:  Much like Facebook, a person is either a friend or not a friend. Granted the term ‘friend’ is extremely loosely interpreted when throwing it into the internet melting pot.  

A friend is someone I trust.  I don’t trust her.  Therefore she cannot be my friend.  So I advised the Linkedin software to treat further such messages as spam.  There was an advisory to the software that the tendered offer would be unceremoniously rejected.  

Was I still angry?  After much reflection I determined that it this point in my life I was certainly no longer angry.  Do I forgive her her transgressions?  Absolutely.  Do I trust her now?  Absolutely not.  

Was my simple rejection the right way to handle this?  Should I have responded explaining the nature of my rejection? 

I have to feel that the first option was the optimum.  Rather than stir the pot and waste time and angst on events past and not worth resurrecting, they were opposed and ended. 

The fact is, this was not the sea of troubles written of so many years ago.